State of Origin I 2013: Pre match drinks

The Maroons are basically unchanged from last year – when they won. And the year before that – when they won. And the 5 years before that – when they won.  Apparently they’ll be no good this year because they’re older than they were in 2012. It’s that kind of impeccable logic that should make every NSW league administrator stamp Freddie Fittler’s forehead with “Never to Coach Again”. Expect to see him take over the Blues in 2014.

Queensland coach Mal Meninga has apparently had a low key build up to Origin this year.

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It’s been so low key not even he’s sure of what it is he does – but whatever it is, he’s done it on a full time basis. And at pace. Heaps of times. 7 times in fact.

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Actually it could be 8.

Laurie Daley on the other hand is in his First and Last Chance Saloon.  

Laurie’s ignored the talk of peptides and has brought in James Maloney, because he has a calming influence on Mitchell Pearce. Either Pearce needs a new set of meds or Maloney is the kind of Half Whisperer not seen since Haley Joel Osmont told Bruce Willis he didn’t want to see him in any more Die Hard films because he was already dead.

The Blues selections have been such that Todd Carney has gone from Illustrated Man to Forgotten Man, Kurt Gidley is still the Elephant Man, Chris Sutton is the Third Man and because he brings the mongrel and is the missing link, Josh Reynolds is Encino Man.

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We’re not too sure who’s playing the part of the Pants Man, but given he’s related to Solomon Haumono, it’s probably Blake Ferguson. He’s come a long way from playing Fiddler on the Roof.

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 Just like back in the day, there will be 2 matches played in NSW this year, so we’re hoping the late 80s vibe to carry right through the series – from origin cattledog moments to classic yer mum’s a rig style comedy. Either way, we’re taking odds on the number of times The Toad uses the term “origin moment” – which is likely to be lower than the Nate Myles “fuck count”.

So join us from 730pm Wednesday as we countdown to kick off of the most important Origin game until the next one.

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Australia v India – First Test

It’s probably time to preview the upcoming test cricket series between Australia and India.

 There’s plenty of history between the two sides.

 1986 Chennai

Dean Jones scored some runs. Then he had a spew. Then he scored some runs. Then he had a spew. Then he asked Allan Border if he could “retire ill”. So Border had a spew. Then he told Jones that if he didn’t want to bat, he’d get a real Australian out there. Of course, the next batsman due in was none other than that model of Australiana, Mahatma Macote.

 Jones eventually scored 210 runs from 330 balls which included 27 fours, 2 sixes, 4 spews and 1 saline drip.

 Oh yeah, Greg Matthews bowled for 40 overs unchanged. Literally. Matthews refused to take his jumper off despite the 40 degree heat.

 A quarter of a century later and Australia have just come off the back of a thrashing of India’s sub continental neighbours, Sri Lanka.

 India have just come off the back of losing a test series to England. At home. Not even Australia has done that since…. 2009.

 The Australians are in the process of rebuilding towards the Ashes. They’re also rotating. Some of them are sitting and rotating. Either way, we have no idea who will be in the starting XI. Not even the selectors.

Who knows what this series will bring?

Either way, you can follow the action with our ball by ball coverage. We might even have a spew for old time’s sake.

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Cricket 2012/2013

It’s been an epic summer. Tony Greig. Dead. Dick Ponting. Dead. Michael Hussey. Dead. Matthew Wade. Brain Dead.

For the internationals among you, we’ll say this for the last time – just because cricket can last for 5 days and not provide a result, does not mean it’s boring. You’re boring. You need to have stamina and patience. Two commodities nobody at TippyTappySports has any of. We do have a childish sense of humour though.

As we roll into the final test of the Australian season 2012/2013, we’d like to thank everyone for listening, commenting and generally being participating.

Bring on the tennis. And the football. Then the cricket again. Yay.

Deuces!

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NRL Grand Final 2012 Preview

For those of you who just can’t wait for Sunday’s NRL Grand Final, here’s something to get the juices going.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjwgNpHMLS4&feature=youtu.be

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US Open Final – 10.09.12

Usually at 4pm on a Monday, we at TippyTappySports are preparing ourselves for a bit of Monday Night Madness, mimosa in hand, after a long weekend of watching, calling and generally commentating on People who are Better at Sport than Us.

However, due to an unscheduled guest appearance by Timmy the Friendly Tornado at Flushing, most of Queens and parts of New Jersey on 8 September, at 4pm Monday 10 September 2012, we sat down to watch the US Open Final.

The match was between Novak Djokovic, best known for his impersonation not of Maria Sharapova but Travis Bickle, and arguably the greatest Scottish tennis player of all time, Andy Murray. Of course, there are no other Scottish tennis players.

Squeezed into Andy Murray’s box, along with Ivan Lendl’s chin, were two of the greatest actors of the 20th century: Kevin Spacey and S’rAlux Ferguson. Sean Connery too. S’rAlux was indeed in the box, enjoying his chewing gum down time and, like everyone else in New York, enjoying the shopping. Not even 5th Avenue stocks dynamic, yet cut price midfields. Not even Forever 21.

But we digress from the tennis.

First set: points were long. Points were won. And lost. Tantrums were thrown. Then thrown back. John McEnroe did some talking about how good it was “back in the day”. We estimated that the match would finish probably in time for the gold medal round in Rio, 2016.

Second set: see first set. Having won both sets, Andy Murray, doubled the number of sets he has won in all four of his previous Grand Slam finals.

Third set: Facing a potentially final set, Travis Bickle did what was naturally expected – he instructed his father, Jack Byrnes, to take his aviators off. Ivan Lendl could only respond by removing his chin from his palm. And folding his arms across his chest. Set to Travis Bickle.

Fourth set: A rictus grin from Sean Connery. And that was only after some kind soul threw a tartan blanket over his knees. Travis Bickle responded by telling Connery just how much he sucked in “Never Say Never Again”. Fourth set to Murray? Never again.

Fifth set: At every available opportunity, including during ad breaks, John McEnroe informed us that only once had a finalist won the first two sets, lost the next two and then come back and won the third. Him. Thanks John! Andy Murray did his best McEnroe impersonation. Even McEnroe was impressed. Djokovic less so. He ranted and raved and insisted that his Sharapova impersonation is superior. It wasn’t.

So Andy Murray did what no Scottish player has ever done – win 3 sets in a Grand Slam final while wearing shorts. Channelling the spirit of Bunny Austin’s brylcream, Fred Perry’s shoes, Henri Lacoste’s polo shirts and Douglas Jardine’s cravat, Murray forced Ivan Lendl to show us his best Sean Connery. The rictus grin lives on.

All reports were that later in the night, Murray and Lendl shared a hug. That is a post almost worthy of its own entry.

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London 2012 – Closing Ceremony, Closing Thoughts

The London 2012 Closing Ceremony was like a big British Middle Aged karaoke party.

Madness came on and sang a song that everybody knew the chorus to. They looked really old, formerly very successful and now with a touch of middle aged spread. Just like the Australian swimming team. Madness also appeared to be afflicted by just that – madness – given their need to sing their song twice. Paul McCartney failed to appear as he was doing a live appearance at Madame Tussaud’s.

Elbow played a song. Great. Paul McCartney failed to appear. Awesome.

The Pet Shop Boys are really middle aged men masquerading as boys with an unhealthy interest in big hats. It’s still not clear what the Guy Who Doesn’t Sing But Is Still a Pet Shop Boy actually does. Empties the litter trays and force feeds heart worm tablets to dogs, most likely. Paul McCartney failed to appear.

One Direction. South.

Ray Davies is the greatest middle aged crooner since the last one. Ray really needs a carer to whisper the lyrics to his own songs to him. Better yet, Ray should just mime singing. He’s doing an excellent good job of miming living. Paul McCartney failed to appear.

George Michael is not only seven eights of one of the great 80s pop acts but also a middle aged hair dresser responsible for a global empire of hair care products. It appears that George hasn’t changed his pants, trousers, hair cut or hair product since 1988. He really does have faith. Paul McCartney failed to appear.

Annie Lennox did her best impression of Kate Winslet in Titanic. Apparently her three minutes aboard the prow of that pirate ship is the basis for Jim Cameron’s next 3D epic, provisionally titled Titanic 2! Back in Action. Leo diCaprio is rumoured to star as Clive Palmer. Dave Stewart will be appearing as Clive Palmer’s chin. Paul McCartney failed to appear.

Freddie Mercury is not dead. He just spends all of his time stuck in a really big screen. Brian May refuses to cut his hair in protest. He has also spent his post Queen career working as a wizard and is still smarting from not being cast in any of the Harry Potter films. Paul McCartney failed to appear.

Generic Indie Kid #327 sang Pink Floyd’s Wish You Were Here. Elsewhere, Roger Waters sang Wish You Were Dead. Syd Barrett sang Wish I Was Not. Paul McCartney failed to appear.

The Spice Girls came together to do what they have been doing since 1996 – keep as far away as possible from each other in public and try not to fall out of taxis. No sign of Ginger Spice’s celebrated Union Jack knickers. Still no sign of life from Posh Spice. Paul McCartney failed to appear.

David Bowie once wrote a song called Fashion. It contains the lyric “beep beep”. He is a genius. Paul McCartney failed to appear.

The guys from Take That minus Robbie Williams wandered around the arena like it was 1996. Gary did all the singing. He is still a bit fat. But less so compared to the others. The Guy Who Doesn’t Sing But Is Still a Pet Shop Boy is rumoured to be joining Take That minus Gary in a new band. Posh Spice is going to design the outfits. They’re going to be the world’s greatest silent pop act. Paul McCartney failed to appear.

The Who sang a medley of songs. This autumn, you will be able to get the exact same performance at a stadium near you for the princely sum of £300. And that’s for the cheap seats. Paul McCartney failed to appear.

In between all of this karaoke, Brazil confirmed what everyone thought about it: the black guys clean while the white guys stand around in suits. Black guys wave broomsticks around a lot and look very happy while the white guys nod arrhythmically to the music. They settle their differences over an acai and a mutual appreciation of scantily clad hotties.

If the Closing Ceremony for London 2012 was a celebration of all things middle aged, great and British, Rio 2016 promises to be a showcase for classical nudity. We’re going to partay like it’s Athens 1896.

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London 2012 – Recap of Days 1 to 5

Because we have been inundated with media requests, we at TippyTappySports have only now had a chance to take a breather, pause and reflect on the first 5 days of competition. This is what we have learned:

1. Medal winners like to bite on their medals. There is no sensible reason for this. Perhaps the athletes are hungry after all that training.

2. Athletes who are ‘favourites’ but don’t win are massive whingers. Mark Cavendish expected other teams to give him a hand in order to win the gold medal. In a TippyTappySports world exclusive, we can reveal the real reason why Cavendish didn’t win: he didn’t ride fast enough.

3. Australia is not that good at swimming. Very good at competing though.

4. Weightlifting is the sport of kings, if only for the fact that after every lift, someone puts a towel around your neck. We could fail to lift 180kgs as often as the Men competing in the under 69kg class.

5. Table tennis ROOLZ. However, it would be more appropriate if it were played outdoors, with the competitors in swimmers and they had to jump in the pool after each set in order to ‘cool off’.

6. TV coverage of live sport generally sux. NBC, Channel 9 and Ian Thorpe’s fashion choices are all woeful.

Now that we are up and properly broadcasting, we will be recapping events when we remember to. So stay tuned!

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London 2012 Opening Ceremony

Danny Boyle’s extravaganza was subtitled the “Isle of Dreams”, and in a similar vein to all of the dreams that we have at TippyTappySports, we recall approximately 3% of what happened.

From what we do recall, JK Rowling read a book which was probably the only hard copy of Fifty Shades of Grey in existence in the UK. Compared to the over-pronounced, over-enunciated diction of Kenneth Branagh, her colourless performance drove every child performing in the Ceremony into the arms of the Kiddie Snatcher or whatever euphemism for ‘pedo’ was originally used in Great British story telling. Perhaps it was ‘the NHS’ or ‘the Catholic church’.

The Opening Ceremony also sought to catalogue the things that once made Great Britain the most powerful collection of united kingdoms since the last one: facial hair. Thanks to Danny Boyle’s vision, we can now confirm that the Industrial Revolution was responsible for 2 things: the invention of pollution, and a rejection of the rigid Napoleonic side burn for the development of a mature, Great British mutton chop. Emmeline Pankhurst’s contribution to female emancipation was marked solely by her wilful determination to grow a moustache. And be proud of it. London in the 60s was less about swinging, and more about trimming. The ability of David Beckham to transform facial hair from a demonstration nay celebration of all things that are Great and British and the very foundation of universal suffrage into an accessory to be varied as often as one’s underpants i.e. at least once per week, is symptomatic of why Great Britain is now a declining middle power.

This is what the genius of Danny Boyle brought to the spectacle that is the Opening Ceremony.  His refusal to draw on his own cinematic opus, apart from cheap representations of Scotland as a toilet swimming junkie nation high on devolution was a triumph. His refusal to incorporate elements of previous Olympic sports such as live pigeon shooting, less so.

Having sat through the full 4 hours of the Opening Ceremony, we learned one thing:

In every basement of every Great British house, there lurks Tim Berners-Lee fiddling away in a white suit, inventing the internet.

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Amigos para dos semanos

This is why 1992 will always be the best games ever. EVER. EVA. EVAH.

 

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Match Report 8.07.12 – Wimbledon Final

Much talk about Murray being the first Briton since Bunny Austin to make the Wimbledon final. Less talk about Bunny Austin being the first man to wear shorts at Wimbledon. Even less talk about Murray being the best Scottish runner up probably of all time.

The future of the United Kingdom rested on Murray’s mildly rat-like shoulders. Certainly David Cameron, as a spectator, was expecting the UK to disintegrate in the event that Murray lost, and a similar fillip in the polls had he won.

Unfortunately, Murray was unable to take a leaf out of Fred Perry’s book and convert his table tennis form into lawn tennis triumph.

Despite having one hand and a few fingers on the trophy after the first set, Murray was unable to convert his pressure into further points. Federer was even winning the unforced error count.

Federer, taking a leaf out of his country’s parliamentary system, operated like an efficient, anal retentive canton. While we were unable to locate the cow that Federer was presented with after his first Wimbledon triumph in 2003, given Federer’s inability to sweat, it was never in doubt that he would win.

Efficient bureaucracy will always triumph over the surly Scottish. Or British.

In the mildy patronising words of Federer, “Murray will win at least one grand slam”.

Yeah right.

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